Thursday, December 30, 2010

That's What She Said...Family Edition

During my trip home for the holidays, my sister and I took every opportunity to make fun of my mother. Every funny comment and that's what she said were compiled for your enjoyment. My mother is one of those people who absorbs the language around her and uses it whether it's appropriate or weird for someone of her age or not. My sister and I exploit this fact for our amusement.

Me: Mom, why won't Misty take this treat?

Mom (nonchalantly): I don't know, she a crack hoe.


Mom: Mike, want to reach around Rach there...

Rach: Yes, Mike, please give me a reach around.


Mom: Mike, can you stick it back in the box please?

Mom: Oh I did it again!


Mom: You missed it. I just said I've got a long one I usually do it with.

Rach: Oh dang it.

Mom: You're slow on the ball girl!

Rach: Uhh. That's what she said....again


Mom (in reference to an unstuffed skunk dog toy at Meijer): Oh my God! Look at how long he is!


(in reference to the plywood under the porch)

Stacey (standing on a chair pushing on the ceiling): Mom, are you sure this wood isn't soft?

Mom (standing on a chair next to Stacey): No. Trust me, I know what soft wood is.

Mom's Follow Up (laughing): Oh my gosh you guys have been getting me all weekend!


Stacey: Can we call it something else other than wood? How about grapes?

Stacey: (considers her choice) Ok NO. That's not any better.




Wednesday, December 29, 2010

2010: Year of the Jeggings


2010 has been a magical year for me. I worked on two 48 hour film challenges, interned on two Hollywood movies, began an amazing job at Lawrence Tech's eLearning Services, and also earned a position with Accidental Jeggings Productions. 2010 also saw the passing of my favorite television program of all time, Lost. More importantly, I gained some amazing friends (shout out to Janellio, Thompson, Slehman, Fanta, and Lady Rach).

What will you remember when you think back to 2010?

-Jefferson

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Family Christmas Fights



Every year, my family gets into an epic fight on Christmas.

Now, most people would say, "Poor Magical Me. She has a broken home. No Christmas Cheer for her."

However, if you knew the nature of our fights, you would think differently. Which is why I'm going to enlighten you.

Last year, on our way home from my aunt's house, Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" came on. My mom, sister and I started talking about how crazy Lady Gaga's outfits are. I am a HUGE Lady Gaga fan. I love her. I think she is God's gift to the earth. However, her outfits are CRAZY. We were talking about her nutso red pleather outfit when she met the Queen of England. [I had just returned from my England adventure, so this was particularly relevant.]

My dad started YELLING at us about how we were mean and that Lady Gaga is a beautiful young woman who deserves our respect and admiration. The fact that he was about 15 beers in and we had no idea that he even knew who Lady Gaga was made us laugh at him, and then he got even more mad and started saying that we were judgmental beeeeyotches.

We all went to bed happy.

This year, we went to my Uncle Paul's house, played euchre, ate a lot of food, and indulged in adult beverages. On the way home, my underage sister was driving, so us overage children were discussing pop culture, of course. My dad then launches into a rave about how he loves Kate Hudson. My mom and I argued that we like her mother, Goldie Hawn, more. Because she has been with HOT Kurt Russell for ever and she is funny and cute even though she is old.

Mom: "Kate Hudson is a hussy. She has been with a million guys and her son has really long hair and looks gross."
Dad: "SHUT UP. I AM QUITTING MY LIFE. I LOVE KATE HUDSON. I AM GOING TO MARRY HER."

Thus, you now know what my family fights about on Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Time!

Well, since we're all probably going to be wrapped up in this weekend's holiday extravaganzas over the next few days, on behalf of The Jeggings Blog staff (or at least those who celebrate it), Merry Christmas!

...but of course, someone reading this blog is probably saying, "Well this post doesn't say anything about Kwanzaa of Hanukkah." (Actually, it does. Right there.) So in order to try and keep everyone happy (DON'T get used to that), here's a video from The Brothers Chaps including a made-up December holiday for just such a disagreement.

Happy Dethemberween!
-Us

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Conversation at the G-Shop

Customer, female, mid-30s mother: Do you have that Call of Duty game?
Me, Jeggings Blogger, mid-20s winner: Which one, Call of Duty Black Ops?
Customer: Yes! That's the one.... What's the name of it again?
Me: (slower) Call of Duty, Black Ops.
Customer: Oh. (whispers) I swear, my son has been calling it Call of Duty Black Cops.


Can you imagine how many stores and how many people this poor lady may have approached, asking for "Call of Duty: Black Cops"?

Monday, December 20, 2010

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog - a short week

[Scott looks highly uncomfortable waiting in line at Bed Bath & Beyond]
Janelle: "Dude, what's wrong?"
Scott: "Freaking everyone that works here is pregnant."

Rach: "How do I do this?"
Dan: "Do you know how to BREATHE!?"

Tommy: "I can't come over, I have chicken wings."

Jeff: "Who shot this footage?"
Rach: "I think Scott. Why?"
Jeff: "It's really freaking jittery."
[the whole office busts out laughing]

Janelle: Yeah, I cybered your duck all day, and it was very uncomfortable for me, though he seemed to enjoy himself.

Nikki: "Is Tommy's girlfriend Asian?"
Rach: "What? NO she's not Asian!"
Nikki: "I thought Asian people were only allowed to date other Asian people, like on Glee. Where they meet at Asian camp."

Janelle: "I can't smell the bacon soap. Maybe because my whole house smells like bacon and I'm just accustomed to it."

Scott: how does one type vomit?
Scott: oh, right:
Scott: AQKVDSBLKVDSBLKVDSBLIOPYUCLALALALALALALALAzvcnw GFRNAI87WLQE7WLEGHXK M8RB+2D5VE SDC
Scott: my computer literally couldn't handle that.

Amy: "Why are you texting Rach and not me?"

Tommy: [to Janelle] When did you get the title of "Pure Awesomeness" in the office?!

Scott [about Uggs]: It's like sticking your foot into the mouth of a dead animal . . . inside out.

Rach (in reference to a squirrel): "How do you think they find their nuts?"
Scott: "...they look down?"

Friday, December 17, 2010

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog - week of 12/13

Scott: "Don't forget your handcuffs."
Tommy: "Okay."
Janelle: "Wait, what did you say?"
Scott: "Don't forget your handcuffs."
Janelle: "Oh my God, I thought you said 'don't forget your hand job.'"
Scott: "They're free."

Scott: "Go to hell, in a flaming chariot, because your hotness is underworldly."

Scott: "Is anyone using this fire extinguisher?"

Janelle (to Rach): "I'll just put your weiner in my box."

Scott: "It's like taking a knife, then putting it down, then picking up a gun because a knife's just not good enough."

Janelle: "Just stick it in here. I KNOW, I KNOW! That's what she said. Put this in my box. OH MY GOD! That's what she said."

Tommy (to Scott): While looking at the Facebook message sent between the Jeggings Bloggers, there was a photo memory thing on the sidebar from an album you were tagged in entitled "URINETOWN". Explain.

Janelle and Scott: "YYYAAAAAANNNKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEE SWAP!"

Rach: "I just need to learn how to suck."

[Jeff gets a Christmas door sign that says "Noel", holding it upside down]
Jeff: ". . . PON?"
Richard: "I think it's upside down."
Jeff: "Oh, NOEL!"
Richard: [singing] "The fiiiiiiirst PON."

The Search is Over.

Sometime during my sophomore year of college (I am now a graduate, no big deal), my friend Katie and I were bumming around my dorm room on a random afternoon eating frozen burritos and tuna melts and watching TLC's "What Not To Wear", as per usual. I'm sure we were either talking about Harry Potter or staring at the numerous Harry Potter posters that adorned my living room walls.

AND THEN, MAGIC HAPPENED.

We saw the most beautiful PSA [Public Service Announcement] in the entire world. Harry Potter vs. Underage Drinking. It was such a brief moment in time that we were unsure if we had actually seen it. But then we looked at each other and just KNEW. We KNEW we had seen it. It was a moment I will never forget.

Sadly, it was never to be seen by either of us again.

We told our friends. "OMG WE SAW THE BEST THING EVER, Harry Potter disarmed this kid that was gonna drink AHHH."
THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE US.

They accused us of making it up. Of dreaming it. Of being so deluded by our love of HP that we had somehow simultaneously fabricated it in our minds.

We searched YouTube for months, to no avail. We could not find it. This was sometime in the spring-ish of 2008.

Today, Katie posted on the Accidental Jeggings page about the Lost PSA. So, I decided to give it another go. Lo and behold . . .

I FOUND IT.



I must confess, a squeal (or a similar weird noise that I am famous for) escaped my lips.

Love it. Live it. Own it.

Good News, Everyone!


"I've just calibrated the Facebook to display the contents of this digital library of intellectual mumbo-jumbo as it appears here. We're now syndicated!"

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Ladies and Gentleman, the fabulous . . .

. . . jeggings.

The title was a veiled reference to the 1982 cult classic, Ladies and Gentleman, the Fabulous Stainss.

However, without further ado, I would like to unveil the first film from Accidental Jeggings Productions.

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Wise Man Once Said: "Learn From Your Mistakes or I'll Come Down There and Shank You!"

It's one thing to do something horrendously terrible and then get completely ripped on for it and then make a big stink about how someone criticized your lousy, pathetic, sorry excuse for a product. It's another thing to watch all of that happen and generally agree with the criticism, then go make another product that is just as sub-par as the first. It's absolutely appalling to learn that people are so lazy that they struggle to inflate their own egos these days. (While I realize, from personal experience, that this is most definitely not the case with everyone, it does apply to a truly staggering amount of people.) Hell, if you're going to promote something you've done, do it with pride. And now, on to my public appeal of the week:

Dear Everyone,
If you don't have anything of apparent value to give to the world, please do one of two things:

  1. TRY to make it great in as clear and masterful a way as possible.
  2. Don't shove your crap in our faces purely for the sake of shoving crap in our faces; low-quality crap at that. I mean, if I have to have crap shoved in my face, at least make it high-quality crap. Even crap that smells vaguely of not-crap is an improvement over total crap.
    Thank you!
    THIS Guy et al. 

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Best Hanukkah Ever...

Hanukkah is a good time to hang out with family and eat latkes. This year I would like to highlight the myriad of amazing gifts I received, and not because I'm being a selfish present lover, but because they are awesome, and you'll think so too. As a disclaimer, I would like to note that I enjoy GIVING gifts just as much if not more than receiving them. Anyways....

The BEST present is a Conway Twitty best hits CD, and not because I like his music, but because you just can't beat his Family Guy interruptions or the Time Life Country's Got Heart collection infomercial featuring many of his classic tunes.

Second is the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - The Gang Buys a Boat episode t-shirt, featuring the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flaying Tube Man on the boat.

Tied for third is the purple Snuggie and the Sims 3, mainly because I shall use them together hunkered down on my couch over Christmas break as I enjoy not having to work or go to class for a few weeks.

In addition we received some pretty sweet gift cards for eats and movies, which will be used only for good.

Peace out.

A quest for jeggings

I went to 12 oaks mall today in search of tea from Teavana (I bought some Nine Dragon Golden Needle black tea this time around). In my travels I came across the women's clothing section of JC Penny. I began touching the "jeans" to see if they were jeggings. Some people stared at me... Here is some guy just touching jeans in the women's section. However, I wasn't simply just touching jeans. I was on a quest... a quest for jeggings!

I eventually found the jeggings on a discount table near the fitting room. Mission accomplished. I bought a bunch of jeggings (and by "bunch" I mean 3) for a friend (sorry, not you Janellio). I saved $5 dollars after waiting in a very long line. Then I went to Biggby coffee. Yep, today was successful.

-Jefferson M. Wolka

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog


Scott: "I just lost my shoe."
Janelle: "How? Isn't it tied?"
Scott: "Well, yeah, but my foot left the ground . . . and my shoe didn't."

Rach: "There's an office romance blooming over the cube walls."
Janelle: "Who, Jeff and Gary?"

Jeff: "I look forward to spending more quality alone time with Gary in an intimate setting."

Richard: "So who's getting the pineapple and mushroom pizza?"
Janelle: "Ew, that's Scott's."
Richard: "Oh, so you're the carnivore."
Scott: "Hey, I like meat."
[Richard and Janelle bust out laughing]
Scott: OH COME ON!

Hungry Howie's Guy: "Happy Howie Days!"
Scott: "You too!"
[pause]
Janelle: "You do realize that he just said--"
Scott: "YEAH I KNOW."

Professor: "So I really like your project, I'm looking forward to it."
Janelle: "Thanks, it's been really fun."
Professor: "Aren't Scott and Tommy just ADORABLE?"

Rach: "Making his head bigger is just going against all of my graphic design morals."

Janelle: "It must be really exhausting to date me."
Scott: "It would be boring to date me."

Tommy: "I can't think of anything funny we said this week."

Scott: "Wait, can you hear my foot tapping?"
Jeff: "Oh, um, poss - prossibly."
Scott: "Okay, you don't have to stop and correct yourself to say "prossibly.""

Friday, December 3, 2010

Conan O'Brien Endorses Jeggings

Our love for jeggings (or, rather, MY love for jeggings) has been validated at last. Conan O'Brien now endorses the magnificent air pants.

My life now has meaning and purpose. Thank you, Sir Conan, from the bottom of my heart.

Overheard at the Offices of The Jeggings Blog

[I'm dressed up like a wannabe hooker for a film shoot]
Rach: Scott, do you wish she dressed like this every day?
Scott: Ohmygod NO!

Rach: Something smells funny in here.
[a few hours later]
Rach: Tommy, where do you want to go for dinner?
Tommy: I don't know.
Rach: Potbelly?
Tommy: No.
Janelle: We went there the other day.
Tommy: OH NO!
[pulls an old Potbelly sandwich out of this backpack]
Janelle: And he didn't even get a chubby.

Jeff [in Schwarzenegger voice]: PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!

Amy: Scott's really mad at me. It's like he really thinks I'm . . . [trails off] I can't even say the name.

Scott: I can't wait till Fort Day.
Janelle: I want a nap room.
Scott: Umm, okay.
Janelle: I GET TOP BUNK!
Scott: You mean . . . the desk?

[this was a Facebook chat]
Janelle: I like how you used the word "legitly"
Scott: I like to think I coined that word, like Dimitri Martin coining LQTM...which is typically more accurate than LOL
Janelle: exactly
Scott: ...which recently my dad found out didn't necessarily mean "Lots of Love."
Janelle: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Scott: THAT was an interesting family party. he goes, "Why the hell do you guys always say Lots of Love after everything you say in a text message?"
Janelle: my mom thought that's what it meant too. so she would text me and be like "please pick up a package of toilet paper on the way home LOL". so I'm thinking, did someone take an epic dump and use every sheet of toilet paper in our house? and that's why it's funny? and she's like "why don't you say LOL when you text me?" and I'm thinking, because I didn't say anything funny and neither did you. so yeah, she learned.

Scott: Oh, there's a floater.
Tommy: YOU'RE a floater.

Scott: I just randomly acquired an Australian accent.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together

Dear Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr universes of the Southeast Michigan region,

I get it. It's snowing. I get it. Some of you dislike snow.

Calm your shit down.

With love,

Me.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I'm Thankful for . . . an $8 Tgivz meal.

I am indifferent to Thanksgiving. I will not complain about getting two days off school and work and being served copious amounts of food and being induced into a pleasant food coma. It's not my favorite holiday, but it's nice enough.

However, I think I would love Tgivz 30x more if I was an international student. Why, you ask? Because while the rest of the lowly student body has to pay for a "Thanksgiving feast" in the RFoC at school, if you just so happen to have been born in NOT 'Murica, the "feast" is free.

I understand that many international students have never experienced American Thanksgiving . . . their first year at LTU. But after that? They just get to go freeload off of my tuition money and eat the turkey and stuffing that I paid for. While I am detained at the door and a somewhat haughty lady explains to me why I am undeserving of a free Thanksgiving meal and can she please have my card to swipe, thank you very much, international students are smugly taking helpings of candied yams and mashed potatoes.

(I hate candied yams, but you know, it's the PRINCIPLE OF THE THING.)

Why, oh WHY does the school seem to think that international students automatically receive a free meal, while the rest of us are left to pay $8? I'd be willing to bet that most of them have WAY more money than I do. Their governments also give the school buttloads of money. So what? I give the school buttloads of money too, and it's used to make subpar promotional material. I want a free meal, DAG NABBIT!




This post is dedicated to THIS guy, as he has been bothering me to write it for a very long 2 days.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Really People?!?!

So while walking Luke (aka Cow; aka Horsey; aka Puppy; aka Shit Head; aka Lukas; aka my puppy) last night I could not help but notice the absorbent about of people in my neighborhood who are under the delusion that it is christmas already. Its not even Thanksgiving yet people! Therefore it is not ok to have your whole F-ing yard covered in Christmas decorations!

I understand that some people are more excited about holiday then others but does that really give them the right to skip over some holidays all together? Hell lets put out Valentines Day decorations too while we at it!

And that just the lights do not get me started on the Christmas music that is already polluting the air wave of every mall and shopping center. Really! Really! Im under the strong belief that Christmas music, lights, and greetings are only appropriate two weeks before the 25th of December and should be taken down before entering the New Year! Is that really too much to ask?

An Encounter with Innovation

I strolled into work today and found this on the markerboard above my desk.




An explanation, via "THIS guy":

"Yes, the cannon launches two Canon HV-40s attached like nun chucks facing away from each other. Upon launch, the pair spins at a rate that allows us to put two panoramic videos together in 3D, while also launching tapes (3 each) which simulate an air strike and a wireless audio force field with the help of two shotgun mics. (And as an added bonus, there's a cartoon-ish Dark Mark in the upper right corner. *This product is Voldemort-approved!*)"


Patent pending.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Are you an idiot? (A series)

Look, as college students, it's a fair assumption to say that we're all looking to do the least amount of work, while still receiving the most amount of credit. Historically, I've simply called this "academic efficiency". However it has come to my attention that there is a line between academic efficiency and laziness.

There's a golden rule to academic efficiency that must always be adhered to: You never reveal to the professor that you're looking to do the least amount of work. In other words, you never ask the forbidden question of, "Is this going to be on the test?"

For me, "academic efficiency" is about not only doing the minimum amount of work possible, but also getting something out of the course being taken. Someone asking "Is this going to be on the test" means to me that you're being lazy. I don't just write a 3-page paper filled with bullshit, but instead I write a 3-page paper with only the information needed to get the best grade. In the process of determining what that necessary information is, I learn.

It's not a bad way to go, really. But I wish everyone else in my classes would stop being lazy and actually think and analyze what's being taught to us. People might actually learn something.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Best Day Of My Life

Prince William is engaged!

This is so awesome!

I love seeing it on every online news page!

All these exclamation points do not mean sarcasm -- I'm really, really excited!

I love England so much and I want William to be King and Kate to be Queen since she is a commoner and she is proof that every little girl can for real dream of growing up to be a princess.

LOVE KNOWS NO TITLES OR BOUNDARIES.

LONG LIVE WILLZ AND KATE!


Dear Everyone Driving North on M24 Near The Dump Around5:30,

"It's okay, it was just wrapping paper, not a spike strip. I realize this was traumatic for many of you, but seriously. Was merging to get around it really worth causing a half-mile backup?"

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Disclaimers. (thispostrequiresadultassembly)

It's really entertaining, the number and variety of disclaimers that seem to be haphazardly thrown into the end of commercials. Lately, though, they seem to be getting more and more trivial. For example: A drug for RLS may cause the increased urge to gamble. Some company advertising its services on the radio announces that it is not only an equal-opportunity employer, but also an affirmative action employer. Next up, we've got a travel company charging a 9/11 security tax "as well as other applicable taxes."

Okay, first of all, the fact that most commercials which require justification and caution have the disclaimers taking up the majority of the spot should be noted as remarkable. It's quite clear that in many cases, it seems like the cons outweigh the pros on taking whatever's being advertised. Second, are we just making things up as we go now? Doesn't "equal employment opportunity" count as an umbrella term in which "affirmative action employer" fits under? Michigan.gov says the difference between EEO and AA is that affirmative action is a remedy for past actions and EEO is general equality. Later on the page, however, the site makes sure to convey that "they are both about fairness."     ...but I digress, and this topic could be a post all by itself.

The point is that disclaimers are becoming a waste of time. Makers of commercials could save a lot of money on air time if they didn't include the disclaimers, or at least not all of them. These days, consumers only hear what they want to hear anyway, so give the option of hearing the disclaimers to the customers and slap 'em on a website. Save time at the end of the commercials and just say, "Go 'here' for information about stuff!" Additionally, without the disclaimers, makers of TV commercials wouldn't have to pay actors while they grab thirty to forty-five seconds of b-roll of them in two separate bathtubs in the wilderness for some reason. The actors have time to find something better to do with their lives, the producers save money, the network can fill the time with more commercials, and consumers will have a choice as to whether or not they want to know the boring stuff. Everybody wins!

For the record, I have no problem with AA or EEO. I do have an issue with making things up about other stuff just to make it sound more important or relevant.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

True Facts with Tommy

As long as I can remember, when my dad is home, he will never wear pants. He'll galavant around the house in his underwear and a white undershirt.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

...Says the Guy with the Reversible Shirt

Yeah, it's me, but The Guy with the Reversible Shirt seems like somewhat of a ridiculous title, no? I also go by...[pulls out long, folded piece of paper and reading glasses]: The Pause Button, Conversation Assassin, Guy with the Red Van, Shotgun Rules Guy, "This" Guy, and occasionally "That" Guy, among others. (The others would be my actual name or variations thereof.)

I'm twenty, a Sophomore in college, majoring in Media Communication, taking seventeen credits, working three jobs, and living on a prayer and at home. I won't get into my jobs or my college "life" right now because that's probably going to be a central theme in my posts...that and...[shudders]...traffic. Yes, traffic. Commuting to school has taught me a few things about life and some of the people in it. Upon forming my own opinions and seeing those of others on the road, it's clear that our society is not for the faint of heart-- erm...mind. I'm not sure about the other authors on The Jeggings Blog, but you can count on hearing from me when there's stupidity afoot.

Hello ladies

Look at this blog. Now to your keyboard. Now back to this blog. Here's an intro.
I started my blogging career in the depths of the Lawrence Tech Management Building's basement under the watchful eye of our director, Suzanne Levine. I dreaded making blog posts, and I still do. However, I want that to change.

I like rocks. Like.... I seriously like them. I have a rock collection. I like computers. I build and mod all of the computers in my household. I like producing video. It's fun. I love lamp.
Alright so seriously.... what do I do?
When I'm not spending time on schoolwork (which is never), I like to play computer games. I'm a PC gamer. I have interned on two Hollywood films: Harold and Kumar 3 and Right Angle in the Art Department. Umm... yeah. That's about it really. I like to party.... like a lot. When I'm not doing any of these things, I'm usually creeping on your facebook.

Hello. Is It Me You're Looking For?

Right now, I'm the only one who is posting to this blog.
Therefore, I am the most important.


The details of my life are quite inconsequential . . .

very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets.

When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.


If the rest of you boners don't start posting, this is going to turn into my blog 2.0.

Reversible Shirt

Scott has a reversible shirt.

Jeggings FTW

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must humbly beg for forgiveness. Even the best of the best make mistakes, since we are all human (regardless of whether we are wizards or Muggles.) And I realized today that I was horribly, horribly wrong, and so I must apologize to the masses.

I would like to extend a sincere and heartfelt apology to any girl I have ever made fun of for wearing jeggings.

Let me explain. Jeggings are leggings that look like jeans. I used to make fun of girls that wore them because they are tacky, overpriced tights that let junk hang out that no one wants to see. I have never been able to bring myself to wear leggings as pants, even going so far as to wear shorts over leggings (a.k.a. my “stupid Sunday outfit”). LEGGINGS DO NOT EQUAL PANTS.

However, I have been forced to reevaluate my stance. The other day at Target, I stopped for a quick look around for a shirt for the upcoming meet and greet with Starkid Productions. Finding nothing, I was on my way out of the store when I saw a rack of jeans. “$15.99 each!”

That’s a FANTASTIC price for jeans. So, on my way to the register, I grabbed two pairs, thinking that if they didn’t fit I’d just take them back.

Imagine my surprise when, this morning as I was pulling on a pair, I realized they don’t have zippers. And they are surprisingly stretchy. And though they feel and look like jeans, they are lighter than air.

I glanced at the tag, and my stomach dropped.

JEGGINGS.

How could I be so naïve? So impulsive? I wanted to sink into a ball and cry. I did just that. And you know what I felt?

Nothing.

No button digging into my stomach. No restrictions of movement. No, I felt like I wasn’t wearing pants. Because I wasn’t. I was wearing jeggings.

And then I knew there was no going back.

So, all you proud jeggings wearers, I applaud you. As long as you keep your junk tucked in, go on wearing them, because wearing leg coverings that look like pants but feel like air should be a basic human right.