That's What She Said...Family Edition

During my trip home for the holidays, my sister and I took every opportunity to make fun of my mother. Every funny comment and that's what she said were compiled for your enjoyment. My mother is one of those people who absorbs the language around her and uses it whether it's appropriate or weird for someone of her age or not. My sister and I exploit this fact for our amusement.

Me: Mom, why won't Misty take this treat?

Mom (nonchalantly): I don't know, she a crack hoe.

Mom: Mike, want to reach around Rach there...

Rach: Yes, Mike, please give me a reach around.

Mom: Mike, can you stick it back in the box please?

Mom: Oh I did it again!

Mom: You missed it. I just said I've got a long one I usually do it with.

Rach: Oh dang it.

Mom: You're slow on the ball girl!

Rach: Uhh. That's what she said....again

Mom (in reference to an unstuffed skunk dog toy at Meijer): Oh my God! Look at how long he is!

(in reference to the plywood under the porch)

Stacey (standing on a chair pushing on the ceiling): Mom, are you sure this wood isn't soft?

Mom (standing on a chair next to Stacey): No. Trust me, I know what soft wood is.

Mom's Follow Up (laughing): Oh my gosh you guys have been getting me all weekend!

Stacey: Can we call it something else other than wood? How about grapes?

Stacey: (considers her choice) Ok NO. That's not any better.

2010: Year of the Jeggings

2010 has been a magical year for me. I worked on two 48 hour film challenges, interned on two Hollywood movies, began an amazing job at Lawrence Tech's eLearning Services, and also earned a position with Accidental Jeggings Productions. 2010 also saw the passing of my favorite television program of all time, Lost. More importantly, I gained some amazing friends (shout out to Janellio, Thompson, Slehman, Fanta, and Lady Rach).

What will you remember when you think back to 2010?

-Jefferson

Family Christmas Fights

Every year, my family gets into an epic fight on Christmas.

Now, most people would say, "Poor Magical Me. She has a broken home. No Christmas Cheer for her."

However, if you knew the nature of our fights, you would think differently. Which is why I'm going to enlighten you.

Last year, on our way home from my aunt's house, Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" came on. My mom, sister and I started talking about how crazy Lady Gaga's outfits are. I am a HUGE Lady Gaga fan. I love her. I think she is God's gift to the earth. However, her outfits are CRAZY. We were talking about her nutso red pleather outfit when she met the Queen of England. [I had just returned from my England adventure, so this was particularly relevant.]

My dad started YELLING at us about how we were mean and that Lady Gaga is a beautiful young woman who deserves our respect and admiration. The fact that he was about 15 beers in and we had no idea that he even knew who Lady Gaga was made us laugh at him, and then he got even more mad and started saying that we were judgmental beeeeyotches.

We all went to bed happy.

This year, we went to my Uncle Paul's house, played euchre, ate a lot of food, and indulged in adult beverages. On the way home, my underage sister was driving, so us overage children were discussing pop culture, of course. My dad then launches into a rave about how he loves Kate Hudson. My mom and I argued that we like her mother, Goldie Hawn, more. Because she has been with HOT Kurt Russell for ever and she is funny and cute even though she is old.

Mom: "Kate Hudson is a hussy. She has been with a million guys and her son has really long hair and looks gross."
Dad: "SHUT UP. I AM QUITTING MY LIFE. I LOVE KATE HUDSON. I AM GOING TO MARRY HER."

Thus, you now know what my family fights about on Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Happy Time!

Well, since we're all probably going to be wrapped up in this weekend's holiday extravaganzas over the next few days, on behalf of The Jeggings Blog staff (or at least those who celebrate it), Merry Christmas!

...but of course, someone reading this blog is probably saying, "Well this post doesn't say anything about Kwanzaa of Hanukkah." (Actually, it does. Right there.) So in order to try and keep everyone happy (DON'T get used to that), here's a video from The Brothers Chaps including a made-up December holiday for just such a disagreement.

Happy Dethemberween!

-Us

Conversation at the G-Shop

Customer, female, mid-30s mother: Do you have that Call of Duty game?
Me, Jeggings Blogger, mid-20s winner: Which one, Call of Duty Black Ops?
Customer: Yes! That's the one.... What's the name of it again?
Me: (slower) Call of Duty, Black Ops.
Customer: Oh. (whispers) I swear, my son has been calling it Call of Duty Black Cops.

Can you imagine how many stores and how many people this poor lady may have approached, asking for "Call of Duty: Black Cops"?

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog - a short week

[Scott looks highly uncomfortable waiting in line at Bed Bath & Beyond]
Janelle: "Dude, what's wrong?"
Scott: "Freaking everyone that works here is pregnant."

Rach: "How do I do this?"
Dan: "Do you know how to BREATHE!?"

Tommy: "I can't come over, I have chicken wings."

Jeff: "Who shot this footage?"
Rach: "I think Scott. Why?"
Jeff: "It's really freaking jittery."
[the whole office busts out laughing]

Janelle: Yeah, I cybered your duck all day, and it was very uncomfortable for me, though he seemed to enjoy himself.

Nikki: "Is Tommy's girlfriend Asian?"
Rach: "What? NO she's not Asian!"
Nikki: "I thought Asian people were only allowed to date other Asian people, like on Glee. Where they meet at Asian camp."

Janelle: "I can't smell the bacon soap. Maybe because my whole house smells like bacon and I'm just accustomed to it."

Scott: how does one type vomit?
Scott: oh, right:
Scott: AQKVDSBLKVDSBLKVDSBLIOPYUCLALALALALALALALAzvcnw GFRNAI87WLQE7WLEGHXK M8RB+2D5VE SDC
Scott: my computer literally couldn't handle that.

Amy: "Why are you texting Rach and not me?"

Tommy: [to Janelle] When did you get the title of "Pure Awesomeness" in the office?!

Scott [about Uggs]: It's like sticking your foot into the mouth of a dead animal . . . inside out.

Rach (in reference to a squirrel): "How do you think they find their nuts?"
Scott: "...they look down?"

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog - week of 12/13

Scott: "Don't forget your handcuffs."
Tommy: "Okay."
Janelle: "Wait, what did you say?"
Scott: "Don't forget your handcuffs."
Janelle: "Oh my God, I thought you said 'don't forget your hand job.'"
Scott: "They're free."

Scott: "Go to hell, in a flaming chariot, because your hotness is underworldly."

Scott: "Is anyone using this fire extinguisher?"

Janelle (to Rach): "I'll just put your weiner in my box."

Scott: "It's like taking a knife, then putting it down, then picking up a gun because a knife's just not good enough."

Janelle: "Just stick it in here. I KNOW, I KNOW! That's what she said. Put this in my box. OH MY GOD! That's what she said."

Tommy (to Scott): While looking at the Facebook message sent between the Jeggings Bloggers, there was a photo memory thing on the sidebar from an album you were tagged in entitled "URINETOWN". Explain.

Janelle and Scott: "YYYAAAAAANNNKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEE SWAP!"

Rach: "I just need to learn how to suck."

[Jeff gets a Christmas door sign that says "Noel", holding it upside down]
Jeff: ". . . PON?"
Richard: "I think it's upside down."
Jeff: "Oh, NOEL!"
Richard: [singing] "The fiiiiiiirst PON."

The Search is Over.

Sometime during my sophomore year of college (I am now a graduate, no big deal), my friend Katie and I were bumming around my dorm room on a random afternoon eating frozen burritos and tuna melts and watching TLC's "What Not To Wear", as per usual. I'm sure we were either talking about Harry Potter or staring at the numerous Harry Potter posters that adorned my living room walls.

AND THEN, MAGIC HAPPENED.

We saw the most beautiful PSA [Public Service Announcement] in the entire world. Harry Potter vs. Underage Drinking. It was such a brief moment in time that we were unsure if we had actually seen it. But then we looked at each other and just KNEW. We KNEW we had seen it. It was a moment I will never forget.

Sadly, it was never to be seen by either of us again.

We told our friends. "OMG WE SAW THE BEST THING EVER, Harry Potter disarmed this kid that was gonna drink AHHH."
THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE US.

They accused us of making it up. Of dreaming it. Of being so deluded by our love of HP that we had somehow simultaneously fabricated it in our minds.

We searched YouTube for months, to no avail. We could not find it. This was sometime in the spring-ish of 2008.

Today, Katie posted on the Accidental Jeggings page about the Lost PSA. So, I decided to give it another go. Lo and behold . . .

I FOUND IT.



I must confess, a squeal (or a similar weird noise that I am famous for) escaped my lips.

Love it. Live it. Own it.

Good News, Everyone!

"I've just calibrated the Facebook to display the contents of this digital library of intellectual mumbo-jumbo as it appears here. We're now syndicated!"

Riggidy Right Here.

Ladies and Gentleman, the fabulous . . .

. . . jeggings.

The title was a veiled reference to the 1982 cult classic, Ladies and Gentleman, the Fabulous Stainss.

However, without further ado, I would like to unveil the first film from Accidental Jeggings Productions.

A Wise Man Once Said: "Learn From Your Mistakes or I'll Come Down There and Shank You!"

It's one thing to do something horrendously terrible and then get completely ripped on for it and then make a big stink about how someone criticized your lousy, pathetic, sorry excuse for a product. It's another thing to watch all of that happen and generally agree with the criticism, then go make another product that is just as sub-par as the first. It's absolutely appalling to learn that people are so lazy that they struggle to inflate their own egos these days. (While I realize, from personal experience, that this is most definitely not the case with everyone, it does apply to a truly staggering amount of people.) Hell, if you're going to promote something you've done, do it with pride. And now, on to my public appeal of the week:

Dear Everyone,

If you don't have anything of apparent value to give to the world, please do one of two things:

1. TRY to make it great in as clear and masterful a way as possible.

2. Don't shove your crap in our faces purely for the sake of shoving crap in our faces; low-quality crap at that. I mean, if I have to have crap shoved in my face, at least make it high-quality crap. Even crap that smells vaguely of not-crap is an improvement over total crap.

   Thank you!
   THIS Guy et al. 

The Best Hanukkah Ever...

Hanukkah is a good time to hang out with family and eat latkes. This year I would like to highlight the myriad of amazing gifts I received, and not because I'm being a selfish present lover, but because they are awesome, and you'll think so too. As a disclaimer, I would like to note that I enjoy GIVING gifts just as much if not more than receiving them. Anyways....

The BEST present is a Conway Twitty best hits CD, and not because I like his music, but because you just can't beat his Family Guy interruptions or the Time Life Country's Got Heart collection infomercial featuring many of his classic tunes.

Second is the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - The Gang Buys a Boat episode t-shirt, featuring the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flaying Tube Man on the boat.

Tied for third is the purple Snuggie and the Sims 3, mainly because I shall use them together hunkered down on my couch over Christmas break as I enjoy not having to work or go to class for a few weeks.

In addition we received some pretty sweet gift cards for eats and movies, which will be used only for good.

Peace out.

A quest for jeggings

I went to 12 oaks mall today in search of tea from Teavana (I bought some Nine Dragon Golden Needle black tea this time around). In my travels I came across the women's clothing section of JC Penny. I began touching the "jeans" to see if they were jeggings. Some people stared at me... Here is some guy just touching jeans in the women's section. However, I wasn't simply just touching jeans. I was on a quest... a quest for jeggings!

I eventually found the jeggings on a discount table near the fitting room. Mission accomplished. I bought a bunch of jeggings (and by "bunch" I mean 3) for a friend (sorry, not you Janellio). I saved $5 dollars after waiting in a very long line. Then I went to Biggby coffee. Yep, today was successful.

-Jefferson M. Wolka

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog

Scott: "I just lost my shoe."
Janelle: "How? Isn't it tied?"
Scott: "Well, yeah, but my foot left the ground . . . and my shoe didn't."

Rach: "There's an office romance blooming over the cube walls."
Janelle: "Who, Jeff and Gary?"

Jeff: "I look forward to spending more quality alone time with Gary in an intimate setting."

Richard: "So who's getting the pineapple and mushroom pizza?"
Janelle: "Ew, that's Scott's."
Richard: "Oh, so you're the carnivore."
Scott: "Hey, I like meat."
[Richard and Janelle bust out laughing]
Scott: OH COME ON!

Hungry Howie's Guy: "Happy Howie Days!"
Scott: "You too!"
[pause]
Janelle: "You do realize that he just said--"
Scott: "YEAH I KNOW."

Professor: "So I really like your project, I'm looking forward to it."
Janelle: "Thanks, it's been really fun."
Professor: "Aren't Scott and Tommy just ADORABLE?"

Rach: "Making his head bigger is just going against all of my graphic design morals."

Janelle: "It must be really exhausting to date me."
Scott: "It would be boring to date me."

Tommy: "I can't think of anything funny we said this week."

Scott: "Wait, can you hear my foot tapping?"
Jeff: "Oh, um, poss - prossibly."
Scott: "Okay, you don't have to stop and correct yourself to say "prossibly.""

Conan O'Brien Endorses Jeggings

Our love for jeggings (or, rather, MY love for jeggings) has been validated at last. Conan O'Brien now endorses the magnificent air pants.

My life now has meaning and purpose. Thank you, Sir Conan, from the bottom of my heart.

Overheard at the Offices of The Jeggings Blog

[I'm dressed up like a wannabe hooker for a film shoot]
Rach: Scott, do you wish she dressed like this every day?
Scott: Ohmygod NO!

Rach: Something smells funny in here.
[a few hours later]
Rach: Tommy, where do you want to go for dinner?
Tommy: I don't know.
Rach: Potbelly?
Tommy: No.
Janelle: We went there the other day.
Tommy: OH NO!
[pulls an old Potbelly sandwich out of this backpack]
Janelle: And he didn't even get a chubby.

Jeff [in Schwarzenegger voice]: PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!

Amy: Scott's really mad at me. It's like he really thinks I'm . . . [trails off] I can't even say the name.

Scott: I can't wait till Fort Day.
Janelle: I want a nap room.
Scott: Umm, okay.
Janelle: I GET TOP BUNK!
Scott: You mean . . . the desk?

[this was a Facebook chat]
Janelle: I like how you used the word "legitly"
Scott: I like to think I coined that word, like Dimitri Martin coining LQTM...which is typically more accurate than LOL
Janelle: exactly
Scott: ...which recently my dad found out didn't necessarily mean "Lots of Love."
Janelle: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Scott: THAT was an interesting family party. he goes, "Why the hell do you guys always say Lots of Love after everything you say in a text message?"
Janelle: my mom thought that's what it meant too. so she would text me and be like "please pick up a package of toilet paper on the way home LOL". so I'm thinking, did someone take an epic dump and use every sheet of toilet paper in our house? and that's why it's funny? and she's like "why don't you say LOL when you text me?" and I'm thinking, because I didn't say anything funny and neither did you. so yeah, she learned.

Scott: Oh, there's a floater.
Tommy: YOU'RE a floater.

Scott: I just randomly acquired an Australian accent.

I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together

Dear Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr universes of the Southeast Michigan region,

I get it. It's snowing. I get it. Some of you dislike snow.

Calm your shit down.

With love,

Me.