Monday, January 31, 2011

Snow-verheard at the Office

Rach: I should have saved you for later Big Tasty.

Red cross RN to Amy after giving blood: Don't make any sudden movements for awhile. Also don't whip your hair back and forth.

Janelle: PLOWED BY THE FREIGHT TRAIN. It's okay, I'll say it.

Scott: So maybe YAINYA is more what cartoon vomit sounds like.
Scott: ...while the person with giant, unmanageable hair is sliding across the screen in multiple directions against a motion background and random chinese symbols pop up and you're left with an unsettling feeling of...what the hell?
Janelle: I literally have no clue what you're talking about.
Scott: Exactly.

Janelle: I'm ready to go! I'm just waiting for Scott to get his ass up and go!
Scott: I'm never getting married.

Scott: Did these cookies go up in price?
Potbelly's guy: Yeah, by one penny.

Tommy: I've never tried with my left hand. (referring to the ball in cup game)

Scott: Oh, I just remembered that the camera is tethered to my pants.

Amy: Am I doing it right? Its hard to look seductive while you're crying.

Janelle: Get your pineapple garbage pizza. Go crazy.

Rach: The struggle bus is pulling in to eLearning.

Jeff: Where is that place?
Rach: In your ass.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sorry, Wrong Pants E.1 (It's Finally Here!)

Accidental Jeggings Productions

IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!

Last week, the first episode of Sorry, Wrong Pants was recorded and over the past few days THIS Guy has been laying down some SWEET beats creating a snazzy theme for this wonderpiece. So here it is, in all of its entry-level glory: Sorry, Wrong Pants E.1

It's currently so legit that we've decided to bypass modern podcast hosting sites and just go with a file sharing one instead. Isn't that great?! 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Overheard in the Office: Ball-in-a-cup Edition


(Tommy is trying to get the ball into a cup, see above image)
Tommy: I just want to get it in once.
Tommy: It went in and bounced back out!
Tommy (after about 3 minutes of attempts): I finally got it in! It usually doesn't take this long.
(Later, with everyone around)
Tommy (makes it into cup on first try): Yeah I can do it when everyone else is here, but when I'm by myself...

(Tommy is in a Google Chat with Scott and Janelle)
Rachel: Are you in a three-way with Scott and Janelle?

Rach: My e-mail has an STD
Amy: Sender-transmitted disease?

Jeff: What's my cube's name?
Rach: The cube of loneliness and crappy hair.

Jeff: I just wanted to remind you that I'm trying to get on Batman.
Rach: Stop. He doesn't like it.
Jeff: Batman? OH I JUST GOT IT!

Rach: A year from now, if I'm lying on the side of the road dying, am I going to be more glad that I put cupboards in the laundry room or that I went to China?

Janelle: Shut up. Our baby would be a tripod.

Scott: Welp, I'll be boiling with a smile.

Janelle: You would need a lottttt of Viagra.

[Upon discovering that Janelle has an abnormally short tongue]
Rach: So you can't like, lick anything.
Janelle: Umm . . . I'm okay with that.
Rach: How do you eat ice cream?
Scott: Yeah, how do you eat ice cream?
Janelle: It's kinda rough, I have to lick it really hard.
Scott: I'm done with this.

Scott: I remember when my parents were picking out names for my baby brother, and the name Coca-Cola was in the baby book.
Rach: What the hell?
Scott: Yeah, and it was the only name in the book that was stylized.
Janelle: How old were you?
Scott: Three.
Rach: Why was Coca-Cola in a baby name book? Coca-Cola Lehman!
Scott: I don't know, but can you imagine? "Hey, Coke, can you get me a you?"

Scott: What's under that green sticky note on Kanye West's face?
Janelle: . . . Kanye . . . West's . . . face?

Janelle: It's always so damn hot in this cube.
Rach: Is it this light? Maybe that's why it's hotter in here.
Janelle: I don't know, I don't think Slehman's hot . . . maybe it's just me.
Janelle: Wow.

Janelle: It was perfect, it fit in, no one had to try too hard . . .

Rach: WE WRECKED THAT KID.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Janelle's Life Boot Camp: 5 Steps to Making It In the World

Here at the offices of the Jeggings Blog, we tend to bitch about things. A lot. Most of the time, it's about technology (software, hardware, 3DHD Audio Force Fields, ball in cups, etc).

However, another theme is people. Or, more specifically (and less mean, I guess), characteristics exhibited in many people that make them really annoying. These people need Life Boot Camp. And I'm here to help, for the low low price of four payments of $29.95. (blog hits are also accepted)


Janelle's Life Boot Camp: 5 Steps to Making It In the World ***
by Janelle


1) Learn to Evaluate Social Cues

A baby must be raised by a human, unless you are Mowgli and are lucky enough to find some nice anthropomorphic wolves. So, all things considered, a human should be able to interpret basic human social cues, such as eye-rolling, an avoidance of eye contact, body language, verbal assaults, etc. that one normally encounters from infancy up through death.

Example: If you're talking to me, and I have headphones on, am surrounded by open books, am chewing on a pen lost in thoughtfulness, and am barely acknowledging your presence, odds are I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. You lose points if I have my arms crossed in a defensive manner, sigh impatiently, and give one-word answers to your queries.

The example is an extreme one, sure. But take it from me: learning to recognize these painfully obvious cues will lessen your douchebaggery.


2) Know Enough About Human Sexuality to Appreciate a "That's What She Said" Joke

I really hope, if you're reading this, and you have read our "Overheard" posts, that you do not fall into this category. You don't need to be a 7 & Van Dyke hooker to giggle when someone says something like, "I can't get it in." Immature? Yes. Hilarious? Absofrickinlutely.

Granted, there are various levels of dirty minds that can be tolerated. I don't expect a 7 year old to laugh when, as their father is fixing the sink, he says, "Damn, that's really tight." However, anyone 14 years and older, barring a physiological/psychological disorder, should be wise enough in the ways of the world to not only laugh at that -- but make it better.

Example:

Sean Connery: Craven Morehead.
Alex Trebek: WHO IS Craven Morehead?
Sean Connery: The guy who slept with your mother last night.


3) Watch Good Movies

I realize that this category is subjective. Except, it's not. I'm the judge of it. I'll evaluate your life skills when I know what kind of movies you like, and more than likely, you will fail. Also, you must like musicals.

Examples: The Blue Lagoon, Heavyweights, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1990), The Sound of Music, The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story, Grey Gardens, Beauty and the Beast, Labyrinth, Funny Girl (etc etc etc etc X infinity)


4) Know When a Joke Has Gone Too Far

Unfortunately, there are several people in my life who have yet to learn this skill. My basic rule of thumb: you can beat your wife with a stick no wider than your thumb. My basic rule of jokes: if it's gone on for longer than a minute, and no one is laughing anymore, and someone says "you've taken this way too far", the joke is dead. So bury it, mourn it, and move on.

Example:

Person 1: "And then he was like OH MY GOD MY FOOT FELL OFF!"
(Person 2 and Person 3 laugh)
. . . seconds later . . .
Person 1: "OH MY GOD MY FOOT FELL OFF!"
(Person 2 and Person 3 chuckle, then return to what they were talking about)
. . . milliseconds later . . .
Person 1: "Hey Person 2, did your foot fall off?"
(crickets)
. . . 15 seconds later . . .
Person 1: "I bet YOUR foot fell off!"
Person 2: "Not funny anymore."
Person 1: "HAHAHAHHA"
(Person 1 then goes on to post Facebook statuses about various people's feet falling off for 4 days.)

(see also: "Learn to Evaluate Social Cues")


5) Don't Be Dumb

If you're going to do something, do it right.
If you're going to say something, be right.
If you say something wrong, don't.
If you think you're right and I say you're wrong, I'm right, because I'll look it up and prove it.
Don't be wrong, and don't be dumb.
LIFE SKILLS, beeyotches.

Example:

Someone: "Jodie Benson did the voice of Belle in Beauty and the Beast."
Me: "No she didn't."
Someone: "Yes, she did."
Me: "Nope, it was Paige O'Hara, and the Beast was Robby Benson, and Lumiere was Jerry Orbach, Cogsworth was David Ogden Stiers, Mrs. Potts was Angela Lansbury, Chip was Bradley Pierce, it was directed by Kirk Wise and Gary Trousdale, released in 1991 and nominated for a Best Picture Oscar."
Someone: "No, I know it was Jodie Benson."
Me: "She was considered, since she was the voice of Ariel in The Little Mermaid, but was deemed too 'all-American', and they wanted someone more European sounding."
Someone: "I don't think you're right."
(I pull out my "The Making of Beauty and the Beast" special edition book, as well as my "Behind the Scenes" VHS tape and my 3 copies of the movie.)

JUST DON'T DO IT.






*** Disclaimer: I have not yet made it anywhere, so I'll let you know if this works. No refunds. Sorry Roger, you tiger now.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

Overheard - do you really need the full title after all this time?

Rach: "So, I'm going to drug you and then cut off your hair."

Scott: "I'm probably going to hell."
Janelle: "Oh, whatever, you're good."
Scott: "Yeah, I guess compared to you, I'm fine."

(At lunch)
Scott: I just realized I eat fries in twos....wait, I eat EVERYTHING in twos...
(pause)
Tommy: Are you trying to psychoanalyze everything you do now?
Scott: Yeah...
(another pause)
Tommy: I've never seen you with such a contemplative look on your face.
Scott: Well yeah, but think about all the things I think about!
(Laughter ensues after that gem of a statement. Scott tries eating one fry at a time.)
Tommy: Is it any different?
Scott: It's half the satisfaction.
(yet another pause)
Tommy: There's a 'That's what she said' joke in there somewhere.

Tommy: "I was going to combine 'fruity' and 'cowabunga'."
Janelle: "Fruitabunga."
Tommy: "Damnit."
Janelle: "That was too easy."

Scott: "These drives take frickin' forever to mount."
Janelle: "You take forever to mount."
Scott: "WHY WOULD YOU EVER SAY THAT?!"

Scott: "I meant to search for cheap shirts, but I accidentally typed 'cheap shits.'"

Jeff: "I'm certified in CPR in case anyone ever drowns on land again."
Scott: "Oh, awesome."
Rach: "Yeah, if you want your first makeout session to be with Jeff, drown on land again."
[laughs]
Rach: "I'm not actually sure if it would be your first makeout session."
Janelle: "It was a good joke anyway."
Scott: "Sadly, it's not a joke."
Janelle: [sadface]
Rach: "We'll buy you a hooker for your 21st birthday."
Scott: "Great, so it will be just full of artificial love."
Janelle: "You just have to get over that first hump!"
[hysterical laughing]
Janelle: "I meant FIGURATIVELY!"

Scott: "Get ready for this party people!"
Scott: "Sorry for that."

[Steve works at Dadco.]
Rach: "Steve has a second job. Guess where it is."
Scott: "Momco?"

Janelle: "I had to go through the mental Scott steps."

Rafting Video: ‎"Upgrade your craft for maximum performance on this ever-changing river."

Scott: "She's the most straight-edge bitch!"

Scott: "I never thought I'd dramatically say the word 'ducky'. Ladies."

Rach: "I couldn't double high-five you because I don't want to scissor yooouuuu. . . r hand."

Scott: "You are so dick as well."

Janelle: "The lower angle doesn't work, it's too thick."

Scott: "I have to support my three baby mamas."

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog - week of 1/10/11

A relatively un-funny week.


Scott: "You wouldn't like me with my shoes off."

Janelle: "What made you think that cutting staples was a good idea?"

Scott: "It's digital vom."

Rach: "It's weirdly soft. He made me touch it once."
Janelle: "GROSSSSSS."

Scott [text]: Hey, buddy. I just found out that ya basically threw me under the bus . . . like . . . used me as a wheel chock . . . basically. I'm done saving you from ***'s expeditions.

Janelle: "I feel wasteful, yet, at the same time, so large."

Tommy: "A LAN party with everyone playing The Sims sounds like a group of sadness."

Janelle: "If you had a house, what would you have in it?"
Scott: "Wouldn't you like to know... ..."

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Here's to Douche Bags in the Work Place

NOTE: This post does NOT apply to any of The Jeggings Blog staff or the like. This is something completely unrelated to that group of people and their co-workers.


It's just awesome to get to work with people who act like they know more than you and go out of their way to shoot down every idea you might have, even when you know you're 100% correct. I love being in a situation like that. I'm also a fan of knowing that person gets paid more than I do, even though I've worked there longer. I'm glad some people worry about how much he/she gets paid by the inches they walk, or the amount of force exerted by his/her ego each time they lift a finger, not to mention how much they scam people for more money behind their employer's back. I like it when people make it about them selves, rather than the customer. I'm thrilled that people take the easy way out. I'm over-joyed knowing that some co-workers do things around the job in secrecy, just to get "ahead" of other co-workers. I'm elated to know that being closed-minded is apparently merit-able. I'm enlightened that I get a weekly dose of this awesomeness.

But in a quite literal sense, I'm pleased to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Pajama Jeans: What?

I just don't . . . I don't know.

Soft as a baby's blanket? You can sleep in them? Apparently no woman can fit into a pair of jeans without lying on a bed in agony exposing her extremely painful jeans-button impression.

Aren't these called Jeggings?






What?

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog - week of 1/3/11

Tommy: "I wish you would just say everything to me with half a quesadilla hanging out of your mouth."

Scott [after watching Pajama Jeans]: "I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE."

Janelle: "Did you just say weiner?"
Scott: "No, I said "successful team meeting.""

Jeff: "How's the new intro coming?"
Scott: "Pretty well."
Janelle: "I don't like it because there's no bunnies in it."
Jeff: "What?"
Janelle: "Although I would be terrified if that thing were coming to destroy me."
Jeff:"What thing?"
Janelle: "I don't know, that intergalactic space lava."
Jeff: "It's the Spirit of Lawrence Tech."
Janelle: "That has already destroyed me."
[a minute passes as Scott is intently working on the intro.]
Scott [laughs]: "SPIRIT OF LAWRENCE TECH! HAHAHA"

[Janelle smells her armpit]
Rach [talking to Scott but looking at Janelle]: "I wanted you to do the research and put it up there!"
Janelle: "What?"

Scott: "Hey Rach, you want to appreciate something really really hard?"

Scott: so *** is just standing in the corner of his office staring out the windows...I keep waiting for him to turn into a philosopher and open his hand in front of him and say, "Why?"

[talking about Scott and Janelle making their cube into a fort/house]
Jeff: "Just get a giant blanket and stretch it over the top."
Janelle: "I don't have a blanket that big."
Jeff: "Just, like, a king size blanket."
Janelle: "Jeff, I have bunk beds. I do not have a king size blanket."

Scott [whispering in Janelle's ear]: "Bola is not a location."

Amy: "The only good thing about her dying is that I learned how to spell the word 'funeral'."'

[everyone is talking about overseas adventures]
Scott: "Well, this one time, in Lake Orion, America . . . "

Rach: "Jeff had to look up what 'menage a trois' means on Wikipedia!"

Tommy: "I'll take stupidity over child-like youth any day."

Scott: "What is a butt cap?"

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year and . . . Baby Jeggings

My last night of 2010/first morning of 2011 was spent at my cousin's wedding in Toledo, OH. It was a jolly affair, with very minimal drinking, dancing, and craziness. [sarcasm] Basically my whole family was a shit show, but it was hilarious.

The single best part of the weekend was this morning. Since we were all seeing each other on New Years, we did not gather with my mom's side for Christmas, so we did our annual Mayer Family YYYYAAAANNNKKKEEEE SWAP gift exchange at the hotel.

I got a shake weight.

I digress.

My aunt gave out her presents, and ladies and gentleman, without further ado, I present my baby cousin Lola's JEGGINGS.