However, another theme is people. Or, more specifically (and less mean, I guess), characteristics exhibited in many people that make them really annoying. These people need Life Boot Camp. And I'm here to help, for the low low price of four payments of $29.95. (blog hits are also accepted)
Janelle's Life Boot Camp: 5 Steps to Making It In the World ***
by Janelle
1) Learn to Evaluate Social Cues
A baby must be raised by a human, unless you are Mowgli and are lucky enough to find some nice anthropomorphic wolves. So, all things considered, a human should be able to interpret basic human social cues, such as eye-rolling, an avoidance of eye contact, body language, verbal assaults, etc. that one normally encounters from infancy up through death.
Example: If you're talking to me, and I have headphones on, am surrounded by open books, am chewing on a pen lost in thoughtfulness, and am barely acknowledging your presence, odds are I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. You lose points if I have my arms crossed in a defensive manner, sigh impatiently, and give one-word answers to your queries.
The example is an extreme one, sure. But take it from me: learning to recognize these painfully obvious cues will lessen your douchebaggery.
2) Know Enough About Human Sexuality to Appreciate a "That's What She Said" Joke
I really hope, if you're reading this, and you have read our "Overheard" posts, that you do not fall into this category. You don't need to be a 7 & Van Dyke hooker to giggle when someone says something like, "I can't get it in." Immature? Yes. Hilarious? Absofrickinlutely.
Granted, there are various levels of dirty minds that can be tolerated. I don't expect a 7 year old to laugh when, as their father is fixing the sink, he says, "Damn, that's really tight." However, anyone 14 years and older, barring a physiological/psychological disorder, should be wise enough in the ways of the world to not only laugh at that -- but make it better.
Example:
Sean Connery: Craven Morehead.
Alex Trebek: WHO IS Craven Morehead?
Sean Connery: The guy who slept with your mother last night.
3) Watch Good Movies
I realize that this category is subjective. Except, it's not. I'm the judge of it. I'll evaluate your life skills when I know what kind of movies you like, and more than likely, you will fail. Also, you must like musicals.
Examples: The Blue Lagoon, Heavyweights, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1990), The Sound of Music, The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story, Grey Gardens, Beauty and the Beast, Labyrinth, Funny Girl (etc etc etc etc X infinity)
4) Know When a Joke Has Gone Too Far
Unfortunately, there are several people in my life who have yet to learn this skill. My basic rule of thumb: you can beat your wife with a stick no wider than your thumb. My basic rule of jokes: if it's gone on for longer than a minute, and no one is laughing anymore, and someone says "you've taken this way too far", the joke is dead. So bury it, mourn it, and move on.
Example:
Person 1: "And then he was like OH MY GOD MY FOOT FELL OFF!"
(Person 2 and Person 3 laugh)
. . . seconds later . . .
Person 1: "OH MY GOD MY FOOT FELL OFF!"
(Person 2 and Person 3 chuckle, then return to what they were talking about)
. . . milliseconds later . . .
Person 1: "Hey Person 2, did your foot fall off?"
(crickets)
. . . 15 seconds later . . .
Person 1: "I bet YOUR foot fell off!"
Person 2: "Not funny anymore."
Person 1: "HAHAHAHHA"
(Person 1 then goes on to post Facebook statuses about various people's feet falling off for 4 days.)
(see also: "Learn to Evaluate Social Cues")
5) Don't Be Dumb
If you're going to do something, do it right.
If you're going to say something, be right.
If you say something wrong, don't.
If you think you're right and I say you're wrong, I'm right, because I'll look it up and prove it.
Don't be wrong, and don't be dumb.
LIFE SKILLS, beeyotches.
Example:
Someone: "Jodie Benson did the voice of Belle in Beauty and the Beast."
Me: "No she didn't."
Someone: "Yes, she did."
Me: "Nope, it was Paige O'Hara, and the Beast was Robby Benson, and Lumiere was Jerry Orbach, Cogsworth was David Ogden Stiers, Mrs. Potts was Angela Lansbury, Chip was Bradley Pierce, it was directed by Kirk Wise and Gary Trousdale, released in 1991 and nominated for a Best Picture Oscar."
Someone: "No, I know it was Jodie Benson."
Me: "She was considered, since she was the voice of Ariel in The Little Mermaid, but was deemed too 'all-American', and they wanted someone more European sounding."
Someone: "I don't think you're right."
(I pull out my "The Making of Beauty and the Beast" special edition book, as well as my "Behind the Scenes" VHS tape and my 3 copies of the movie.)
JUST DON'T DO IT.
*** Disclaimer: I have not yet made it anywhere, so I'll let you know if this works. No refunds. Sorry Roger, you tiger now.
*** Disclaimer: I have not yet made it anywhere, so I'll let you know if this works. No refunds. Sorry Roger, you tiger now.
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