Overheard at the Dollar Store

Rachel 2: What headband should I pick? It has to look douchey.

Scott: I don't know.

Rachel 2: Scott, don't sass me.

Scott: I DON'T KNOW!

Rachel 2: If I was a 12 year old girl, and you were a pedophile, what headband would you want me to wear?

Scott: The pretty princess one.

Scott: Will you just pick a headband?

Rachel 2: STOP with the sass. We are breaking up over this.

Rachel 2: My sword is erect.

Janelle: Mine's leaning a little to the left.

[swords make sounds]

Scott: Well, I bet I know what DOESN'T make that sound.

Rachel 2: Scott, look at this. It's a friend you can put in water and it will grow and be with you always. You will never be alone again.

Scott [speaking in a moderately loud voice]: JANELLE! LOOK HOW MUCH THESE CANDY BARS ARE!

[they have a giant "69cent" sticker on them]

Scott: I need some sunglasses. I need some cool sunglasses.

[two seconds later]

Scott: Yeah, not happening.

Scott [punches Janelle in the arm, whisper-screaming]: THERE'S A GIRL IN YOUR SORORITY HERE.

Janelle: WE JUST NEED GLASSES THAT MAKE HER LOOK BLIND AND HOMELESS.

Scott: JANELLE! Is this a good vial for cocaine?

Janelle: How much cocaine were you thinking, buddy?

Rachel 2: GO ASK HER OUT NOW.

Cashier: Thankyouforshoppingatdollartreehaveaniceday.

Janelle: Thanks.

Cashier [to another woman]: Deuces.

Cashier: Yeah, I said it.

Scott: We can talk about this in the car.

Scott: Okay, just text me.

Rachel 2: NO, I'll sext you.

Scott: Ooooookay . . .

Rachel 2: I hate DRIVERS.

Scott: WHY DON'T WE HANG OUT?

[they high-5 three times like douches]

[Janelle is dropping Scott off for class]

Janelle: Did you grab your lunch, buddy?

Rachel 2: Good luck on your test!

Janelle: Have fun at soccer!

Rachel 2: I wrote you a note in your lunch! Your two moms love you!

Janelle: Score a goal!

[they are YELLING this at him outside the UTLC building and people are judging]

[Rachel 2 puts a dinosaur head on]

Rachel 2: Hey, Scott ... what are you doing Saturday?

Scott: Strangely, I'm busy.

Scott: THIS IS YOUR DAY, JANELLE.

The Lemon Wedge Lodge

The Lemon Wedge Lodge

It was an early morning. The sunshine streams into the windows, boldly declaring that the day has begun. I shower, brush my teeth, and put my pants on one leg at a time. I leave the home and head to the local Lemon Wedge Lodge to hear my favourite regulars ramble on about some topic or another, and to catch up on the miscellaneous random banter missed throughout the week.

I park my car in the grassy lot behind the lodge, and knock on the door in a secret sequence. A little sliding door opens and a voice behind the door says, "Password?" I give the password ("mediocre muskrat") and the door flings open. The lodge is dimly lit, not in a romantic manner, but in a haphazard way with old lights found at the local thrift shoppery.

I pull up a stool and take a seat at the bar. The bartender slides me my favourite brew.

"Where's the crew?" I ask the bartender.
"Don't know." he says.
"Don't know? Don't they work here?"
"Yeah, but they're all scrubbin' pots in the back. Jeff's peeling potatoes. I think Tommy's sleeping."

The bartender wipes up a spilled white russian at the end of the bar.

"Did they print their weekly newsletter?"I asked.
"The Weekly Lemon?"
"Yeah."
"Nope. Couple of 'em went to a dance last night, others have been managing another project all week. Scott mentioned something about playing an instrument."
"Huh. So... basically nothing new you say?"

"It happens, son." the bartender says.
---

New Podcast and Overheard next week, pinky promise.

How To Get Boys

In light of one of my sorority sister's recent breakup, I felt like I needed to shed some light on Janelle's Method of Getting Boys. [patent pending]

If you've ever met me, you might be shocked to find out that I have a boyfriend. Here, I am going to enlighten you on five foolproof ways to get boys. It's foolproof. FOOLPROOF.

1) Let food fall out of your mouth, preferably Mexican [but Chinese will do].
2) Snort when you laugh.
3) Always talk about how awesome you are.
4) Wear shirts that never show one inch of cleavage.
5) Laugh immaturely whenever you see the number '69'.

If you partake in this method, please comment and share your success stories (especially if they end in marriage/domestic partnerships.)

If you fail, you're not doing it right. Just buy my forthcoming book.

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog

Tommy: Oh, thats why the white stuff wasn't coming out the tip. You have to squeeze it.

Rachel: Well, I got sex right.

Janelle: My hand still hurts from that high five.

Scott: It was good, but it wasn't that good.

Scott: I live my life as if my dreams are crushed already.

Janelle: You must have been sleep-shanking.

Jeff: Let me just grab your guy down there.

Janelle (needing footage from a SD card): I have a slot!

Janelle: It's much easier to get in than out!

[setting up lights for an interview, Janelle looks at the LCD display and sees that the harsh light has washed out Scott's face]

Janelle: You look really hot.

Scott: Thanks, I know.

That Guy: Always Injured Guy

I'm pretty sure everyone had that guy in high school - that guy who was always injuring himself, breaking bones, etc. due to his own shear stupidity.

This guy in my old high school, and even going back to middle school, broke a bone (or the same bone) every year we were in school together. He had a few football injuries, sure, but the kicker was in high school when he got his license and a nice Ford Mustang from his parents (from what I can remember).

Around January or so of that year, he ended up doing 50mph down an icy suburban side street and rolling the Mustang. Broke half the bones in his body, if memory serves. Pins and rods hold him together, I'm sure.

And that was Junior year of high school. I distinctly remember him being missing for a few days from school Senior year because of another injury.

And even a few years after graduation, I heard he had again injured himself doing something stupid.

Over the past day or so, Facebook has recommended me to add him as a friend. I'm not sure if I will, but I find it hilarious that in his profile picture he is standing Captain Morgan style on top of a motorbike. At least he has a helmet with him, if not on his head.

Good to know that some people over the course of many, many years, just don't change.

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog

Jeff (while color correcting): We need a 3-way.

[chat]
Scott: Oh, btw
Scott: I'll probably be in late tomorrow.
Scott: whether or not you care is beyond me.
Janelle: As in after 2:30?
Scott: No, sometime after 10.
Janelle: well. I'll think about that as I'm home drinking coffee and watching Ellen and/or Little House on the Prairie.

Scott: Dubai: Mo' Money, NO Problems.

Janelle: WHAT UP SCONTACTS?

Janelle (to Jeff): Wait till you see what Tommy and I did when we were alone in the office on Friday, we stayed late and made some videos.
Tommy: Wow. That just sounds so wrong.

Jeff: It's not so much that they sucked, but it's more the fact that I benefited from their sucking.

Amy (to Tommy): What's it like to be the glue (that holds the group together)?
Amy (whispering): Sticky.

Rach (over the cubicle walls): Is anyone wearing pants?

Scott: We need to know how to take the diuretic feces and form it into a cognitive deuce.

Rach: Shit, if you give it up . . .

Janelle: Oh, if I give it up?

Tommy: It just sort of flops out instead of launching out.

Rach: Well, at least she's not "picturing" other parts of you. . .

Scott: GREAT, NOW I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY ANYMORE!

(Janelle drooled on the chair while eating candy.)

Janelle: Awww, SICK!

Tommy: Lucky chair.

Janelle: [pulls out hand sanitizer] Don't worry, I'm going to sanitize it.

Tommy: That's right, rub it in.

Janelle: Okay, I'm done, it's satisfied. SANITIZED!

Rach: The river is on high flow alert.

Janelle: EW.

AJP's Theoretical Mid-1990s Family Cedar Point Experience Throwback Event of 2011

If you live in the Midwest, chances are you have at least heard the of wonder that is Cedar Point. If you've never experienced it, well, you're not cool.

One day, Scott made fun of Janelle for wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, saying that no one wears tie-dye unless they are going to Cedar Point. Slehman being of the Post-2008 Cedar Point Experience, I don't think he ever got the full effect of the Mid-1990s Family Cedar Point Experience, so my sister Clip Girl and I have been planning AJP's Theoretical Mid-1990s Family Cedar Point Experience Throwback Event of 2011.

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog (lite)

Gary Busey, Lil Jon, and John Rich.

Tommy: I may be half brown, but my rapping skills are all white.

Scott: How does one make these noises?

Janelle: My butt.

Tommy: You know what AJP needs? A Taco Bell costume.

Tommy: YOU KNOW WHAT AJP NEEDS? A TACO BELL COSTUME!

Tommy: ... plant the seed. plant the seed. plant the seed.

Janelle: Now I remember this because I was doing the fax machine and he had no idea what it was.

Not a quote, but a happenstance:

A fart machine fell out of the ceiling.

Janelle: Why would anyone want a sandwich named after them? You show up at your alma mater to speak at an event, get hungry, go to the cafeteria, and ask for . . .

Tommy: I'll have two Penners with a side of Slehman.

Sorry, Plato, We Can't Be Friends

Plato, you know, that philosopher guy. You tried to read his work for homework, but you fell asleep and drooled all over the book instead. That's because he's not a fun guy. He wouldn't want to go out and have a drink after work, and he wouldn't have a sense of humor, so don't expect him to laugh at your jokes.

I've recently been forced to study his thoughts on the arts for an essay, and I think that if he were here today, he'd be that weird kid who secretly thinks he's better than everyone else. When he talks in class, everyone rolls their eyes, because his points encourage everyone to be lame and boring.

You wouldn't add him as a Facebook friend, or if you added him out of pity, you'd end up hiding his posts in your feed anyways, because his posts would be rants about how degenerate our youth is and how violent games and funny movies are ruining society (I'm not debating whether this may have some truth to it, but no one wants to hear about it constantly). He wouldn't have a sense of humor, and he'd probably find your posts vulgar and outrageous, so he'd take you off his friends list anyways.

See, Plato believes that too much emotion or laughter ruin your character. Can you imagine never laughing? Can you imagine what he'd think of YouTube? Plato believes that all works of art should foster positive education for society. He'd hate "Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Video Version" and "Kittens Inspired by Kittens" and all of the other hilariously awesome videos we troll on a regular basis.

Can you imagine all of the dumb but funny things that exist today disappearing? Life would suck. That's because in today's world life is just too hectic, and the only escape is through trashy TV and stupid YouTube videos. I don't think this makes us bad people, just overly stressed. If these things are degrading my character, well I'm afraid it's too far gone at this point to be saved. So sorry Plato, we just can't be friends.

Why Would You Ever Want To Have A Sandwich Named After You?

A school that many, if not all, of the Jeggings Bloggers are in some or no way affiliated with used to have this strange habit of naming cafeteria sandwiches after semi- or not-famous alumni. We here at the Jeggings Blog think that this is very odd. Picture returning to your alma mater to give a lecture or to pay a 15-year delinquent parking ticket, and then heading to the cafeteria for a gross bite to eat, only to discover that the school has named a sandwich after you.

(If you eat this sandwich, can it be considered cannibalism? Words to ponder.)

Anyway, we sat and thought up what our individual sandwiches will be when we open our own SuperMegaFoxyAwesomeHot Corporation, and we have full control over the cafeteria and what kind of highlighters to order.

-------------

The Blankenship

- Avocado spread, bean sprouts, lettuce, tomato, spinach, cucumbers, black beans, and cheddar cheese on whole wheat bread with a choice of French fries or fresh fruit. Also enjoy a quad-shot soy vanilla latte for texture.

The Johara

- An obscene amount of extra crispy bacon, lettuce, roast beef, turkey, Pepper Jack cheese, and Swiss cheese and a slight spreading of light mayo and seasoned salt on ciabatta bread. Served with a choice of Better Made Barbecue chips or French fries with vinegar. Served with a fishbowl of Arnold Palmer with tiny sailboats in it.

The Penner

- Bacon, pulled pork, ham, coleslaw, banana peppers, turkey pepperoni, and hot sauce with your choice of Swiss, American, or Pepper Jack cheese on Texas Toast. Served with your choice of barbecue sauce. Also, choose your side of sweet potato fries, extra bacon, breakfast sausage, or ten pounds of crawfish. Wash it all down with some non-alcoholic Budweiser.

The Wolka Box Special (+$2.59)

- Open-faced sloppy joe on a Kaiser bun with a side of saurkraut, dill pickles on top of the saurkraut, a "Chef's Choice" salad, and grape juice.

The RachieAC

- Avocado spread, sun-dried tomato pesto with pine nuts, fresh mozzarella cheese with basil, and a truckload of very hot sauce on a panini. Served with an apple, since it's a commitment food, with Simply Orange orange juice. Served with a flourish and smile by a sassy gay friend.

The Slehman (+$0.69)

- Roast beef, Provolone and Cheddar cheese, crushed red peppers inside a Calzone shell and deep fried for 45 minutes, or until golden brown. Lightly basted with unsalted butter, topped with a pinch of salt and Parmesan cheese with a cherry and a cocktail sword with a Confederate flag on top. Served with your choice of a Capri Sun or a Kool-Aid Jammer, garnished with some fresh basil for texture and an orange wedge (on a separate plate) next to Baked Alaska, so at least SOMETHING is on fire.

Sorry, Wrong Pants #6 - Jeff cried at the end of Titanic

Tommy: Should I name this episode, "Jeff cried at the end of Titanic" or "Titanic made Jeff cry"?

Scott: "Titanic made Jeff cry"

Janelle: "Jeff cried at the end of Titanic"

Jeff: It wasn't crying, I just had a few tears.

Amy: "Jeff drowning in an ocean of tears."
Scott: "The gang struggles to come up with a title for the podcast which is largely based around Jeff crying at the end of Titanic."

In addition, do not eat Pączkis while listening to this podcast.

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Here is an exclamation point!

Chop Chop

More or less, for the past decade or so, only about 3-4 times a year, I've gotten a haircut at the same place - a hair salon called U2 (and it has nothing to do with Bono) in Troy. My mom knows the owners, who are all Chinese, and I would go there with my mom way back before I could drive. They're relatively inexpensive, very nice people, and they always do a fine job with chopping down my Half-Asian Mullet (HAM). I've only gone to some other location for a haircut a handful of times, including Lady Jane's Haircuts for Men (attractive ladies in skimpy outfits in a sports bar atmosphere doesn't work well when you're blind and have to take your glasses off when you get your haircut. Plus, no beer/liquor license. Not wicked awesome.)

So I started going there before I could drive. After I received my license, which would be in the 2002/3 timeframe, whenever I would get my haircut I would drive myself. I'm not exactly one for small talk, so for the most part I've sat there in relative silence while the guy cuts my hair. It's also not just an issue of my awkward lack of small talk social skills, but all the employees speak English as their second language.

But even beyond that is one thing that has always bothered me: For damn near a decade, the same guy has cut my hair, and I don't know his name. I think about this every single time I go or think about going, here's a guy that has handled how I look for such a long time, but I don't know his name. We're years upon years too late for me to ask what his name is, so for quite awhile I've resigned to the fact that I don't know his name.

Is that wrong of me? I mean, how long can you go without knowing someone's name?

In other news, daaaamn I look good.

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog

Rachel-2: He's the one that went to the Peace Corps meeting and was eating a salad with his hands.

Amy: Tommy, you're so easy, in all the right ways.

Rach: Jeff, just watch the video and then you can stick it in!

Jeff: It's just very large right now because I've got to resize it.

Rach: You don't have to do me, it's cool.

Tommy: Scott, I'm sorry I don't help you, I just constantly berate you.
Scott: It's okay. It keeps me down a notch.

Scott: Keep the duck satisfied.

Janelle: Only thing I'm good for.

Scott: [reading Janelle's screen] Scott the Hot Ruiner?

Rach: Jeff, calm down. The only difference between you and Spunky getting overly excited is that you don't accidentally pee everywhere.

Scott: [leaning over Janelle to type on her computer] Sorry, my breath probably smells really bad from the coffee.

Janelle: It's cool, mine does too.

Scott: Well, in that case . . . [breathes in her face]

[Janelle sort of spilled Scott's coffee]

Janelle: It looks like I diarrhea-d all over the top of it.

Rachel-2: This table is just a piece of sex.

Rach: There is a cultural adventure happening in my mouth.

Scott: How do you spell 'schmuck?'

Janelle: Seriously, stop fake typing NOW.

Scott [does not stop typing]: It's things like this that make me un-datable.

Janelle: My quesadilla brings all the boys to the yard.

Rach: You pick up all the men, Scott will get the ladies.

Janelle: Business Plan: pimp out the favorites to earn cash.

This Is How We Do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LADY RACH!

Three lady members of AJP, along with our sassy Indian friend, successfully stayed until closing time at an Indian restaurant. We needed Indian food guidance, so naturally, we brought an Indian, although she is a self-admitted "terrible Indian."

You can follow her blog here.

While the restaurant was laid-back, subdued, and as quiet as the office when Janelle's not there, these four women were determined to have LADIEZ NIGHT and proceeded to arrange the dessert in distasteful ways and stay there, loudly giggling and re-enacting Sex and the City, until the employees started vacuuming and closing up.

Yes, the girls of AJP successfully closed an Indian restaurant. Charlie Sheen would be proud.

Introducing the AJP Store!

Our fan club manager has done it again. So many balloons, lemons, and what's this? Garage sale signs? Yes! Check out our online store for the signature mug and more. Thanks RB!

Make a personalized gift at Zazzle.

Sorry, Wrong Pants #5 - Don't Drink the BLT Shot

Yep, Sorry, Wrong Pants is now five weeks old. IT'S ALMOST A BIG KID!!! On the docket for today: Dr. Seuss, sibling stories, favourite animals, and ill-conceived ideas (like this podcast).

For the first time ever, we also streamed our recording LIVE TO A STUDIO INTERNET AUDIENCE. Stay tuned on The Facebook and Tweetter for updates on when we go live.

If you're curious what goes on behind the scenes (on the INTERNET), read our roundtable chat for what we were talking about in the Accidental Backchannel.

Also: the download link for Episode 4 should be working correctly again. Sorry for the inconvenience, loyal fan.

Subscribe to our podcast through iTunes!

Copy this link and paste it into your podcast listening device (iTunes/Zune/RSS) to subscribe that way!

Click here to download and listen to this episode directly!

The Backchannel

Edited for language/some content, and no, no context will be provided, nor will you really know who's talking, mainly because I don't remember.

[Not the true "backchannel", just our group chat on Facebook during the livestream of our podcast.]

*WARNING*: this can get a little racy at times, be forewarned.