Overheard at Parties That No One Comes To

Rachel-2: I'm just too tired to fucktion.

Megan (Nicole's friend): Soooo many people de-friended me on Facebook because my status was, "despite being fat, Adele is killin' it."

Rachel-2 (watching Newsies): This movie is filled with strong young jawlines.

Janelle (to Nicole): You smell like poop.

Nicole: What? How do I smell like poop? What do you mean?

Mom: Get away from us. You smell like the morning after.

Nicole: The morning after what?

Mom: You smell like bad breath, alcohol, and B.O.

Janelle: I DON'T WANT TO BE BY YOU. You smell like a literal turd.

Rachel-2: Wait, what happened to Miss Honey's dad? Did he kill himself?

Nicole: Well you know, you could just shut up and watch the movie, that's always an option. I'm just sayin'.

Nicole: I'm going to take a shower!
Janelle: Come out smelling better!
Nicole: Come out smelly butter?

Overheard As of Oct 18

Scott: Oh, I'm priceless!

Janelle (to Charles): It it racist to think you're a good dancer?

Scott: This used to be a good song until they turned it into a penis commercial.

Steve: I'll come when you go through it.

Scott: I don't last that long at night. I get......fatigued.

Charles: That hot dog only used you for a one night stand.

Scott: We need some shitty removal.

(Talking to James Sharp)

Charles: Did you find the pot of righteousness?

Scott: DID YOU ENTER THE TEMPLE?!?!

Jeff: So my sister commented on the Ohio thing and said: "Shit be lookin like Jumanji."

Charles: Do you need some "feel better juice?"

Janelle: I'm an awkward shield.

Scott: My leg hurts. Like up here.

(points to a really high spot on his leg)

Scott: So basically my crotch is on fire.

Scott: OKAY NOT REALLY.

Charles: Let me tell you about The Lust Factor.

Scott: Ladies, we're having a special on Sensodyne.

Rach: Does this make it weirder?

Janelle: What, when you lick your teeth and wink at me? Yes, yes it does.

Scott: I went to Wendy's and asked for a "Hot'n'Juicy Burger." The lady asked me what kind. I said "umm, a Hot'n'Juicy burger?" I guess that there are several types of Hot'n'Juicy burgers.

Rach: (to Scott) I don't know why you don't use this to your advantage [about cougars loving him]. If you had any sort of charisma . . .

Janelle: That looks like a fetus.

What an awkweird time.

Janelle: My tongue is only two inches.

Rach: (to Janelle) You would make a terrible lesbian.

Charles: Bathroom walls are terrible people...those people are perverts!

Overheard at Random Places

We're back.

(At Cedar Point)

Tommy: Scott, if you got an award, who would you thank?

Scott: My girlfriend.

Tommy: Well, I guess that's legitimate, because it's in a fictional setting.

Scott: I'm assuming the award is "Congrats on the Sex."

Tommy and/or Scott: Fun fact . . .

Tommy (later): So you never really answered my question about the awards.

Scott: Oh, who would I thank.

Janelle: Jesus Christ.

Scott: Yes, God. And my parents, for introducing me to God. And Jewish people for introducing me to Spaceballs.

(In Tommy's car)

Janelle: Is your finger really all the way up there?

(In the Man Magnet)

Janelle: Okay, Scott, you can copywrite my whore name.

(In the office)

Scott: I gotta dip into my "make it rain" fund.

Janelle: Did you give him the Scott Lehman Special?

Scott: "Things Golden Throat is not allowed to say."

Charles: The new kid is officially broken in.

Janelle: Grossssssss.

Rach: MY PIECE IS BENT?!

Rach: We learned about Chinese bars.

Janelle: And clubs in Shanghai.

Rach: Good idea.

Janelle: And squatter toilets.

Rach: Not a good idea.

Tommy: I've pooped in two countries this year.

Charles: Welp . . .

Janelle: Who's going to sexually harass me at work now?

Janelle: Don't answer that.

(Online)

Scott: my shit button is shifty

Janelle: oh is it?

Tommy: I'm 5% packed for New York . . . with a 5% margin of error.

Overheard at 1-800-4-RAFTIN

Some inappropriateness . . . enter if you dare.

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog: Passoveaster

Scott: So-and-so called the hotline.

Rach: What line?

Scott: [seductively] My line.

Rach: Did she seriously have to chicken broth everything?

Janelle: [says something stupid]

Scott: Okay, Mom.

Janelle: WHAT?!

Scott: No, I'm reading an email. Not even a Freudian slip would make that happen.

Rach: You know, if they hooked up, their couple name could be "Chip Clip."

Janelle: I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY MEDIUM-SIZED DOG!

Rach: Oh my God, you are Scott Lehman-ing that keyboard!

Scott: Why doesn't anyone keep this updated? It's most definitely a 5.

Rach: You're most definitely a 5.

Scott: That is an extremely untrue statement.

Scott: [drops 3 $1 bills on Janelle]: MAKIN' IT RAINNNNNNN!

Nicole's ex boyfriend: I just really want a hug, as gay as that sounds.

Rach/Scott/Janelle: You wanna fight?!

Janelle: Who's on the phone? Tell me now.

Rach: Don't worry about it. It's Tommy's mom.

Tommy: Aww, how's she doing?

Rach: Oh, she's doing real well.

Janelle: You furious?

Tommy: The deal of the day is for laser hair removal.

Rach: I need that . . . on the lip . . . of my face.

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog

Jeff (while color correcting): We need a 3-way.

[chat]
Scott: Oh, btw
Scott: I'll probably be in late tomorrow.
Scott: whether or not you care is beyond me.
Janelle: As in after 2:30?
Scott: No, sometime after 10.
Janelle: well. I'll think about that as I'm home drinking coffee and watching Ellen and/or Little House on the Prairie.

Scott: Dubai: Mo' Money, NO Problems.

Janelle: WHAT UP SCONTACTS?

Janelle (to Jeff): Wait till you see what Tommy and I did when we were alone in the office on Friday, we stayed late and made some videos.
Tommy: Wow. That just sounds so wrong.

Jeff: It's not so much that they sucked, but it's more the fact that I benefited from their sucking.

Amy (to Tommy): What's it like to be the glue (that holds the group together)?
Amy (whispering): Sticky.

Rach (over the cubicle walls): Is anyone wearing pants?

Scott: We need to know how to take the diuretic feces and form it into a cognitive deuce.

Rach: Shit, if you give it up . . .

Janelle: Oh, if I give it up?

Tommy: It just sort of flops out instead of launching out.

Rach: Well, at least she's not "picturing" other parts of you. . .

Scott: GREAT, NOW I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY ANYMORE!

(Janelle drooled on the chair while eating candy.)

Janelle: Awww, SICK!

Tommy: Lucky chair.

Janelle: [pulls out hand sanitizer] Don't worry, I'm going to sanitize it.

Tommy: That's right, rub it in.

Janelle: Okay, I'm done, it's satisfied. SANITIZED!

Rach: The river is on high flow alert.

Janelle: EW.

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog

Rachel-2: He's the one that went to the Peace Corps meeting and was eating a salad with his hands.

Amy: Tommy, you're so easy, in all the right ways.

Rach: Jeff, just watch the video and then you can stick it in!

Jeff: It's just very large right now because I've got to resize it.

Rach: You don't have to do me, it's cool.

Tommy: Scott, I'm sorry I don't help you, I just constantly berate you.
Scott: It's okay. It keeps me down a notch.

Scott: Keep the duck satisfied.

Janelle: Only thing I'm good for.

Scott: [reading Janelle's screen] Scott the Hot Ruiner?

Rach: Jeff, calm down. The only difference between you and Spunky getting overly excited is that you don't accidentally pee everywhere.

Scott: [leaning over Janelle to type on her computer] Sorry, my breath probably smells really bad from the coffee.

Janelle: It's cool, mine does too.

Scott: Well, in that case . . . [breathes in her face]

[Janelle sort of spilled Scott's coffee]

Janelle: It looks like I diarrhea-d all over the top of it.

Rachel-2: This table is just a piece of sex.

Rach: There is a cultural adventure happening in my mouth.

Scott: How do you spell 'schmuck?'

Janelle: Seriously, stop fake typing NOW.

Scott [does not stop typing]: It's things like this that make me un-datable.

Janelle: My quesadilla brings all the boys to the yard.

Rach: You pick up all the men, Scott will get the ladies.

Janelle: Business Plan: pimp out the favorites to earn cash.

Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog

Scott: Hey, if you re-arrange the letters in the word "life", you get "fail."

Scott: Wait . . .

Janelle: Nope, no, that's not right.

Tommy: Are you serious?

Rach: Well, if you got it up then let's get this started!

Scott: [to Janelle] No matter what time of day it is, you always look hungover when you come in.

Jeff: Chuck E. Cheese has the best pizza.

Rach: Yeah, if you like to lick dumpsters!

Rach: I'm kind of a jerk sometimes.

Jeff: Yeah, I would agree with that.

Angela: Whenever I need a laugh I just need to come and stand right here [in Scott and Janelle's cube]

Scott: This is where the magic happens.

Janelle: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

Jeff: I've gotta put this thing away, because every time I take it out I can't stop playing with it.

Jeff: I'll call you, and I'll be like "yeaaaaaaaah Janelle, I'm playing Call of Duty!"

[everyone busts out laughing]

Jeff: Thanks everyone for laughing at my life.

Rach [with Scott, to Jeff]: Just go over there and put your headphones on, we'll be done in 30 minutes.

Rach [to Scott]: Keep sticking it into different holes, you'll get it eventually.

Jeff [to Scott]: What's our length this time, buddy?

Janelle: I get up harder.

Jeff: I still just can't fathom what this is.

Rach: What, Spanx?

Janelle's mom: Why are you home so late?

Janelle: We podcasted again.

Janelle's mom: WHAT?

Janelle: We podcasted again.

Janelle's mom: Oh, I thought you said "we popped acid again."

Rach: I don't know, I haven't really gotten a hard commitment from anyone.

Janelle: I'll give you a hard commitment.

Scott: Can we just go ONE DAY without making an innocent comment into a sexual reference?

Everyone: Nope.

This one's a Long One. Overheard at the Offices of the Jeggings Blog

Rachel: Don't let me smell it, put it in my face!

Janelle: This is the "saucy" part of the song.

Scott: It's like, "we're getting a little buzzed now!"

Tommy: So, what Janelle is saying is that Scott is not even worth the time it takes to tape two pieces of paper around a toothpick and make a tiny insignificant sign.

Rach: [about her dog] He's old, gross, has no teeth, and eats poop.

Jeff: I don't mean to nerd out about this . . .

Rach: [imitating him] "I don't mean to nerd out about this but my name is Jeff so I will anyway."

Janelle: [after eating a dark chocolate caramel with it (somehow) all over her hands] I just need to go take a bath. It's all over me.

Scott: [gazing at his orange soda at Potbelly]: There needs to be more alcohol in this.

Janelle: Why is Scott suddenly making all of these drinking references?

Janelle: It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen . . . besides my own reflection.

Scott: [laughs hysterically]

Janelle: Don't laugh so hard, asshole.

Scott: Don't snort so loud, douchebag.

Janelle: Who needs a Steadicam when you have ME?!

Scott: SHUT UP, JANELLE.

Scott: Ew, I just realized I smell like Janelle thinks she smells.

(Janelle and Scott are filming out the side of a moving vehicle)
Janelle: Ah I just got you in the shot.
Scott: It's okay, that's the best thing you'll ever shoot with that camera.
Janelle: SO glad I got that on tape.

Rachel 2: [down on one knee] Rach, my sorority is having a formal on March 27th and I desperately need a companion. Though Scott was my gold medal, he has declined, so . . . will you be my silver medal?

Amy: I would crawl, but you are already on your knees

Jeff: It's been having this problem lately, let's just force mount it

Amy (in reference to a website): Rach, have you gotten it up yet?

Amy: I'm not ready for Robert Pattinson to give me herpes.

Rachel (to Amy and Tommy): I hope your lifes' goal isn't striving to be slightly better versions of Scott and Janelle.

Tommy (to Amy): So what you're saying is that the erect wooden pole being mounted on campus will slowly wilt over time?

Tommy: Facebook chat is made of lies and Communism!

Rach: Jeff just discovered Scott's tower. (thinking) That sounds kind of wrong doesn't it?